Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/old-incomplete/heretodaygonetomorrorw.p1

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From: [e-mail] (Kipp Lightburn)
Subject: REPOST STORY: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow Pt.1
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Date: Thu, 8 Dec 1994 21:48:47 GMT
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                     HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
                             PART ONE
                     -------------------------

                          A Cosmic Story
                             Starring
                     Red Dwarf & Star Trek NG
                     ------------------------
                       by:  Kipp Lightburn



        It was an average day on the Red Dwarf.  Actually, to say
that it was an average day is kind of pointless, since there really
aren't many above average or below average days on the Red Dwarf.
So to say that the day was average serves absolutely no descriptive
purpose, whatsoever.
        So...

        It was a day on the Red Dwarf.  The huge, red, mining vessel
drifted through space.  You see, calling a huge, red, mining vessel
Red Dwarf, is kind of like calling a large man who carries an
oversized toothpick, Little John.  It gives the ship character.
        Lister had been challenged by the ships sentient toaster, to
a battle of wits.  Lister was weary at first but, toaster managed to
convince him that if he won, it would find a way of converting all
of the 'Happy Juice' machines on board the ship into Lager
dispensers.  After all what did Lister have to lose, except perhaps
some time.
        "Okay shoot."  Lister leaned back on his cot, preparing
himself for Toaster's question.
        "Are you sure you're ready?"
        "Yeah, yeah, get on with it."
        "Positive?"
        Lister rolled onto his side and stared down at the toaster,
"Look I said I was ready didn't I?"  Lister's voice quivered, he
needed his lager.
        "Okay here we go... would you perhaps like some toast first?"
        "No I bleedin' wouldn't!"
        The toaster started to backpedal, "I apologize, I'm a
service droid, I'm supposed to have a one track mind."
        Lister rolled onto his back again and sighed, mentally
preparing himself for a truly challenging question.
        Toaster rattled slightly on the table then started to speak,
"Napolean Bonnepart, famous conquerer in earth history..."
        "Yeah?"
        "Maybe you'd like a croissant?"
        Lister stretched for his lead pipe.


        Meanwhile, about five hundred stardates, two universes, and
four dimensions away...


        "Dammit Q!  We're here on a mission of peace!"  A vein on
Picard's forehead throbbed curiously.
        Q sidled over to the captain's chair and grinned, "I don't
see what the problem is, I thought I was helping you out with the
Mhalzarians."  He adjusted his starfleet shirt at the waist and sat
down.
        "Q, we were dealing with something delicate here.  The
Mhalzarians live by a very strict honour code, and having you
traipsing around, pretending to be an admiral in Starfleet is just
not acceptable!"  Picard wanted to strangle Q.  Actually Picard had
made a mental list of all the things he'd like to do with Q, it just
so happened that strangulation fell into the number thirty-six spot.
        "Look,"  Q started firmly ,"All I did was introduce the
Mhalzarian High Council to a small part of 20th century human
communication."
        "You mooned them Q."
        "So?"  Q was enjoying this immensely.
        "So?!?  So, now the Mhalzarian High Council staunchly
beleives that it is human ettiquette to moon anyone that you have
highest respect for."
        Q thought back as to how THAT could have been
misinterpretted.  He was standing in front of the High Council, and
after he had introduced himself as Admiral Wesley Crusher of
starfleet, he said 'And with all due respect I salute you.'  And
that was when Q, member of the Q continuum, destroyer of galaxies,
knower of all knowledge, wielder of all powers, dropped his
trousers, and introduced his hindquarters to the Mhalzarians.
        So it was a small misunderstanding...


        Back on the Red Dwarf...



        Lister looked frustrated.  Rimmer had spent the past half an
hour explaining that the ship's toaster was extremely durable in order
to survive space travel.  Lister glanced down at his now dented, and
mangled lead pipe, then up to the shiny, unscathed toaster and felt
himself wanting to cry, "Bleedin' unfair. That's what it is, bleedin'
unfair."
        Rimmer patted Lister on the back in the way only a hologram
could.  He had done quite a good job of calming Lister.  Rimmer had
originally entered the crew quarters to the sight of Lister hoisting
his cot above his head, while screaming, "I've got your freakin' pop
tart right here, ya little smeghead!"
        If a toaster could appear overconfident, then Toaster was
doing just that.  "Well okay then, if not a Pop tart then how would
you like a few crispy pieces of.."
        Rimmer interrupted, "Don't push your luck, or you'll find
yourself dispensing toast in open space."
        Toaster still beamed with a toaster's confidence.  He knew
that he was in control of the situation.
        Lister picked his cot up off of the ground and slid it back
into it's place in the wall.  Heaving himself up and onto it with a
grunt he managed, "What I need is a vacation.  I need to get away
from talking toasters... I need real people."
        "I'm a real person."  Rimmer announced triumphantly.  He
figured that if he could calm Lister down, he might be able to cheer
him up as well.
        "No, you're not."
        "I may be a hologram, but I'm still a person."
        "No you're not, you're a git. What I need is human to human
interaction.  I need REAL lager.  I need..."
        "What you need," Cat strutted into the room, "Is a woman!"
        "Yeah," Lister began to daydream, "A woman.  Not a pinup.
Not an image on a slide projector.  Not some computerized face."
        "Hey!" The image of Holly, the ships computer appeared on
the viewscreen.
        "You're lovely and all that Hol, but what I need is a REAL
woman.  Someone like my dream girl..."
        "Kochansky?" Rimmer interjected.
        "Yeah, only this one should actually be alive."
        It was then that Q appeared.  Actually Q had been there for
quite some time now, but Q could never make himself known until the
moment was just right.  One might say that Q waited for his cue.
        "Gentlemen, you have stated your wish, and I have a
proposition that will make that wish come true."  Everyone stared at
Q in stunned silence.  All except for toaster, toaster was mumbling
through his crumb-vats, after all this newcomer could challenge his
position of control of the situation... but then again, maybe this
newcomer liked lightly toasted, british muffins...
        "Who, may I ask, are you?"  Rimmer tried his best to look
like an authority.
        "I am Q." Q stretched out his hand in proper human
greetings, though he toyed with the idea of using the new Mhalzarian
method.
        Rimmer took his hand and shook it slowly.
        "Mind telling us how you did that?"  asked Lister.
        "Did what?"
        "Appeared.  From out of nowhere."
        Q smiled like a politician, "That's inconsequential right
now, what is most important at this point is my offer to you."  Q
snapped his fingers, there was a brilliant flash.  Not all that
brilliant actually, it was kind of stupid looking.  Q was no longer
dressed in a boring red and black uniform, he was now sporting a
leather jacket, army surplus pants, engineering boots, and three
lengthy dreadlocks.
        "Ripping!"  Lister was astonished.
        "Can you do that for me?" Cat scurried up alongside him.
        Another flash and Cat was wearing a suede, three piece suit,
that looked like a cross between an Armani and a Stainmaster carpet.
        Q grinned, "This is but a mere fraction of my power."
        Lister was grinning, Cat was checking himself out in the
mirror,  and Rimmer looked at Q skeptically.
        "Captain Rimmer," Q began, and Rimmer quickly forgot the
meaning of the word 'skeptical', "I offer you and your friends a
change of scenery.  A much needed change of pace.  One could call it
relaxing, with a touch of adventure.  A touch of women.  A little
touch of something for everyone.  Where I will take you, there is a
veritable plethora of people, just ripe for human to human
interaction."
        Everyone waited anxiously for the next words of persuasion
to escape Q's lips.
        "I will give to you, all of that and more."
        "What's the catch?" asked Cat.
        "No catch."  Q enticed, "Just promise me you will be your own,
normal, selves." That in itself would drive Picard insane, thought Q.
        Everyone responded in dumbfounded unison, "That's all?"



        The Enterprise maintained it's orbit around Mhalzaria.

        "Dammit Q for the last time, would you just get out of here!"
        Q, who was having absolutely no trouble being in two places
at the same time (He is Q after all), got up from the Captain's
chair, adjusted his uniform and said, "Fine."
        "Fine?"  Picard stammered, looking almost as dazed as the
crew around him.  He asked Q to leave and Q said 'fine'.  Picard filed
this away for future reference.
        Q grinned, "Allow me to place upon your esteemed person, my
humblest apologies.  Although being a member of the Q continuum is my
occupation, making your life interesting is my hobby.  You wouldn't
persecute me for having a hobby, would you?"  And with a snap of his
fingers, Q was gone.
        The bridge heaved a collective sigh.
        Picard steadied himself.
        "Captain," announced Worf, "A ship is materializing in
space, approximately.."
        "Romulan?" Picard cut in urgently.
        Worf raised an eyebrow, "I don't beleive so sir.  It's much
larger than any Romulan starships we've encountered."
        "Onscreen."
        The bridge's viewscreen flickered, and then displayed the
image an enormous red space vessel.
        "Weapons?"
        "They don't appear to have any weapons charged sir, or
shields for that matter."  Worf tapped at the keypad.
        Picard moved closer to the viewscreen, "Enhance image, 500%".
The belly of the ship now dominated the viewscreen.  The words "Red
Dwarf" drifted by.
        "Q?"



        "Look I'm sure they've got chicken vin-da-loo on board their
ship, so you don't need all those bags!"
        Lister was stacking suitcases in the control room, the smell
of 'Cup-a-Vindaloo' hung rancidly in the air.
        Rimmer insisted, "Please?  I'm begging you.  We can't waltz
on board this 'Enterprise' ship with enough chicken vin-da-loo to
feed a small mongolian horde, it's just not proper ettiquette."
        Lister finally acknowledged Rimmer's droning, "Look, only
some of it's for me, the rest is going to be our peace offering."
        "Chicken Vin-da-loo? A peace offering?"
        "You got any better ideas?" Lister challenged.
        Rimmer thought for a minute, hand posed on chin.  A grin
crept across his face, "Traditional greetings at parties is a bottle
of wine."
        "We haven't got anything like that."
        "What about a case of Lager?"
        "Like I said!" Lister's words crept across the room and
pounced on Rimmer's face, "We haven't got anything like that."
        Rimmer backed down.  Lister went into the hall to get the
last case full of 'Cup-a-Vindaloo'.  Lister groaned as he dragged it
into the room, the suitcase's handle cried for mercy.
        Rimmer eyed the truckload of cases, "Well couldn't you find
something smaller, something you actually WANT to get rid of?"
        Lister shook his head.  Shaking his head seemed to put
something into place because in mid shake he smiled widely, and his
gaze fell onto Toaster.
        Toaster wished that during his conception, the electricians
could have added a feature alongside 'making toast'.  That feature
would have been 'run-away-from-those-that-don't-appreciate-your-
talents'.  No-one on board Red Dwarf appreciated the single-service
droids, not since a small incident where the ship's garbage disposal
commandeered the navigational computer, and steered them headlong into
a black hole, insisting that it was it's long lost, second cousin,
Blake.

        "Sir, they're hailing us."
        Picard nodded, "Onscreen Mr. Worf."
        Worf punched the keypad.  The viewscreen, dropped the image
of the Red Dwarf, and replaced it with that of a human.  A rather
nodescript human, if you didn't pay any attention to the large
letter 'H' on his forehead.
        "Greetings, I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship
Enterprise..."
        Rimmer cut him off anxiously,"And I am Arnold J. Rimmer,
Second Technician of the Red Dwarf."
        "Second technician," Picard said to himself, "Could I speak
with your Captain?" This time loud enough for Rimmer to hear.
        Rimmer's eyes shifted, "Well, you see, there was an accident a
while back, a few million years to be exact, that left me as the
superior officer on board the ship."
        Just then Lister stepped through Rimmer and pushed himself
up against the viewscreen. "And he's just a hologram.  Dave Lister's
the name, and have I got a doozy of a peace offerin' for you!"
Listers dreadlocks lashed out, as he spun, and stepped out of the
picture.  Rimmer looked apologetic.
        Picard threw a glance of disbelief at Riker.
        "Don't mind THIRD Technician Lister.  I assure you that we're
all a very friendly bunch of lads, over here on the Red Dwarf."
        From behind Rimmer, Lister could be heard screaming, "Yo
Kryten!  We're goin' on a vacation!"
        All eyes on the Enterprise bridge, blinked in astonishment.
        "Exactly how many life forms, not including yourself, Second
Technician Rimmer, are on board the Red Dwarf?"  At least he wasn't
spending his time trying to straighten out the Mhalzarians, thought
Picard.
        Rimmer thought aloud, "Well there's Lister and Cat.  Kryten
is an android so he doesn't exactly count as a life form..."
        Kryten, moved into the picture behind Rimmer, his pink,
geometric face looking peeved, "Well I'm still a heck of a lot more
sentient than you, you scrawny little..."
        "So," Picard said, "That would make it two life forms, an
Android and a Hologram?"
        "And a Toaster!" A disembodied voice on the Red Dwarf
pronounced.  Picard thought he heard someone scraping a lead pipe up
off of the ground.
        "And of course there's Holly, our ship's computer."
        Picard reeled for a minute, trying to absorb absolutely
everything.  "Well then in the name of Starfleet I'd like to invite
you on board the Enterprise..."
        "Right Smeg On!" Lister cried.
        "...so that we might..."
        Rimmer spun around, "Shut the hell up!"
        "...get to know each other..."
        Lister stalked across the screen, "Hey Toaster we're going
for a ride!"
        "...better." Picard finished.
        Rimmer walked away from the viewscreen, "I said not that
much Vin-da-loo!"
        "Smeg Off."
        The screen went black and the face of a blonde woman
appeared, "Sorry about them, I'm Holly."
        "The ships computer?"  Riker stood.
        "Yeah, look, Dave says to crack out your best Lager, we're on
our way."
        Riker took over for the stunned Picard, "We have transporter
capabili..."
        The viewscreen went blank.
        "They have severed communications," Worf stated the obvious.
        "Most Curious," said Data.

        Picard sighed, "Q."


        The shuttlepod from the Red Dwarf sailed slowly towards the
Enterprise.  It wasn't even remotely like a Starfleet, shuttle.  It
was much larger, much more cumbersome, and absolutely would not be
able to fit into shuttle bay 12.
        "Look I'm telling you, we won't be able to fit in there!"
Rimmer scurried around frantically, and hologramatically.
        "Don't worry about it, we only need to get the front end of
this thing in, right?"
        "Only the front end?!?" Rimmer felt woozy.
        "Then we crawl out the access port."
        "Only the front end?!?"
        Lister ignored the hologram as Cat leaned over, "Look master,
I have primo faith and confidence in you, but," Looking stern,"Muss
up my new suit and you're dead."
        Toaster was doing his best to be quiet.  He couldn't take it
anymore, "You know toast is said to be great at calming your nerves.
Anyone want a slice?"  Lister jumped out of his chair and tackled
the toaster.
        "Oh my god," Rimmer peered at the frontal display monitor,
"We're going to crash."

        The shuttle hurtled headlong on its course.  Shuttle bay 12
braced for the impact.  Picard, accompanied by Riker, Troi, and a
Mhalzarian diplomat who demanded that since this was Mhalzarian
space, it was his right, to be the first to greet the newcomers.
        The four of them stared out into the tranquil blackness of
the shuttle bay hatch.  The large shuttle stared in at them.  It got
closer. Closer. Closer. Faster. Closer.
        Picard's eyes grew very wide, "OH MY GOD!"
        Now, the actual description of what took place, is damn near
impossible.  But to give you a mild idea, picture slam dunking a
basketball, into a shoebox.  It's almost the same scale.

        The front end of the shuttle was very, VERY firmly wedged
into shuttle bay 12.  Picard very quickly made another of his
'Mental Lists' of what he'd like to do to the crew of the Red
Dwarf.  He began searching his mind for loopholes in the prime
directive, that would allow for at least three of the options on his
'list'.
        The access port in the front of the shuttle, popped open with
a hiss.  And four people toppled out.  Well not exactly people.  An
Android, a human, a humanoid cat, and a hologram.  And it should be
clarified that the hologram did not topple out of the access hatch,
rather it drifted down quite gracefully.
        The Mhalzarian twitched intently.
        "Stoopid git! I told you it wouldn't fit!"
        Lister smiled and motioned towards the shuttle, "And like I
said we only needed to get the front end in.  See?  It's in, and we...
are on board."
        Lister picked up his case of 'Cup-a-Vindaloo' in one hand
and a small toaster in the other.  Rimmer eyed the greeting party.
        The two groups stood at a distance from each other.  Neither
of them quite sure what to do next.  Unless of course you account
for the Mhalzarian.
        When he was absolutely certain that all of the newcomers were
looking right at him, Khraak Heidall, head representative of the
Mhalzarian people and master of diplomatic technique, turned round,
unfastened his belt, bent over, and flashed his bum.
        "Oh god." stated Rimmer, as Cat whistled appreciatively,
Kryten look astonished, Counsellor Troi fainted, Riker toyed with
the idea of dropping his pants too in order to make it all look
official, Toaster mumbled something about buns, and Lister howled
turned himself around and.... well... 'When in Rome'.


--
Kipp Lightburn ([e-mail])=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
  "One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them
all, and in the darkness bind them. In the land of Mordor where shadows lie."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=